It was a very hard journey. I used to be a very fundamentalist christian. Not the type that was all about rules, although I had a lot of dogma and wrong thinking - but one with experience in the reality of the 1 Cor 12 'gifts of the spirit' as the fancy spiritual-sounding term is used in churches. I was in a great place (or so I thought) in my spiritual journey. Had a place where I could serve and encourage others with these 'gifts' (they're just psychic gifts you use but you apply "church-approved" ethics and protocol to them), had great relations with others in ministries and churches. Some very big-hearted people, some very patient and loving and kind. Angels on earth. Much better people than I ever was.Lotus wrote:infinity, how did you become aware of those inclinations in yourself?
But I grew discontent...
So I prayed a prayer. Although in my own subjective experience I was feeling very close and intimate in a relationship with God, I was extremely frustrated because I felt as if there's always something "between" us like I couldn't get closer and I passionately and desperately wanted to get closer. What I had wasn't enough. My spirit was crying out in desperation. I would pay any price. I would do anything. I just HAD TO get closer!
So I prayed dangerous prayer: "God, I want to be one with You."
And I meant it. I meant it even if it sounded nonsensical in my christian mind. I meant it even if it implied blasphemy according to many christians' theology. I meant it because my heart wanted it. My spirit wanted it.
The response was a big surprise to me: "It will cost you everything. Your job, your friends, your ministry, even your relationship with Me.". I was like wtf? How can it cost my relationship with God? Isn't that the thing I'm praying for more of? Didn't make sense to me at the time. But I said yes. Anything. No matter what. I will be a hobo on the street if I can have what I really wanted. Nothing else mattered.
And so, a few days later, I heard about this week-long 'workshop' at a place called "The Centre of Light". Oooh, sounds very new-agey - I thought. I was very judgemental about the sound of it. But something drew me to it. The workshop was called "Turning Point". Against my 'better judgement' I went for it with a good friend of mine. Despite my judgementalism, I experienced an open heaven on the premises while signing up for the workshop there. Felt like in the spirit everything was white. It was almost like I was looking at the people that volunteered there with 2 sets of eyes. One saw long white silvery gowns, and the other normal modern clothing they physically had on them. I was confused by this perception - weren't these new-agey people that deceive others into going away from God? This would be interesting, I thought.
In it, through self-discovery I realized that my view of reality was really not making any sense (no one in the workshop 'told' us to believe in any way or think in any particular way. All they did was ask us questions. No matter the answers, the questions would be followed by more questions. They wouldn't react or respond in any negative way on any answer. There would just be more questions. So you end up questioning everything.). I realized by shock that in a sense every person is "God" and so am I in a sense - and to a fundamentalist christian mind that is paradigm-breaking stuff. But I knew it was true. I could feel it inside me. I could feel "God" looking at me (from the perspective I'm used to in my christian background) like a friend and with his silent but loving look affirm the understanding that I was developing. I was astounded. I thought it blasphemy, unreal, yet, I knew that I knew that I knew that it is true. I couldn't explain it through theology or anything. It was just like jumping over a cliff. There's a gap, but I was on the other side now.
On my way driving home, I remember Jesus saying to me "Do you still love me now that you know who I truly am?". You see, the paradigm shift for me was so big, I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my friends and spiritual leaders in the church. I felt betrayed by even God, that He wouldn't show me this stuff from the start. I felt like I lost everything. I lost trust. Trust in my beliefs, but also trust in my ability to tell 'right' from 'wrong' and know what is truth and what not.
I felt like I lost my relationship with God even.
And that, is where the long and amazing journey began to where I am today. And I can never look back.
Still processing some of that disillusionment here. But, mostly, I am more excited than ever about the future, I'm excited about being alive, about the potential of the human race. Excited about a new-found understanding of the divine and how we're all connected. I'm excited that its ok to develop telekinetic abilities and not be thought of as demon-possessed. Or do ESP games for fun and experiment with telepathy. Or to influence random chance events by the power of my mind (like company end year function lotteries. Harmless enough? Or is that cheating badly? ) and not feel condemned as if I'm doing dark occult rituals.
One of my most precious and most treasured experiences since the start of this journey is meeting the spirit of the planet earth. I haven't met a mothering and nurturing spirit such as Her! Breathtaking, the endless love that she has. I was actually inspired to do so after hearing a few christian teachings from Ian Clayton (from New Zealand) who has done over 20+ years of personal work to get to a point where he can "jaunt" and teach others how to do it, and not just on this plane, but to others. I haven't done this training but this guy has shared some pretty theology-breaking stuff in some pretty fundamentalist christian conventions. Some christian beliefs he challenged was that the planet is alive and has a spirit. He also challenged people on "why would satan want to go for and occupy 'hell'? what's so important or strategic about that place? Why would Jesus say that the gates of hell will not stand against his church (ecclesia, which means governing body, not religious group) as if an invasion is planned to take over hell for good? What's going on here for real?" He would also warn ppl not to 'go there' (for those that had the ability to OBE or jaunt) unless they're properly prepared since one could be burned to a cinders there. Must be some pretty potent energies there.
I digress... but how can I not? This universe is too damn amazing.